i miss you...

don't really know WHO i miss....

i mean, there are a lot of people that go in and out of my life, and i guess i miss them for brief intervals , but today's post is about the people that i end up missing so much my heart hurts and I feel like i'm being torn into pieces.

sigh. emo much? this is what comes out of me waking up at 8am >.<

i miss my mother. what i mean by that is i miss my birth mother, even though I've never met her before (or atleast I don't remember meeting her). i wish that I could sit and talk to her. not yell or anything just talk and be able to do that whole mom-daughter thing sigh

i miss my other mother. the FIRST lady that adopted me. She died when i was little and I do remember her. She was so nice and gentle and i really really do miss her. i just wish I could see her one last time so I could see her smile at me.

i miss david. ugh. never thought i'd live the day to see myself say that again. I don't particularly miss him physically. Knowing someone for so long and being so close to them and being betrayed by them kinda makes you wake up and wonder what the fuck is so wrong with you that they felt the need to hurt you. but then, it makes you wonder, when they changed so much when they were no longer afraid to hurt you, but afraid to get in trouble by you. so i guess, i miss the old him. the him that actually cared.

I miss my best friend Felesha. seeing her every fucking day for six years (summers not included) would have driven most friends apart, but felesha and I have been together through think and then, and we're going on 8 years of drive-you-crazy-friendship. The only thing is, we're so busy with life that we've drifted apart physically. it sucks because she's the one person that's always supported me whole-heartedly and she's the one person that I love above everyone else in this world.

Most of all, I miss myself. It kinda really sucks to miss yourself and you're right there. if that makes any sense xDD Iunno, i just feel like, somewhere between the boyfriend drama, the best friend drama, school, maturing and all that jazz, I've lost myself, and I can only see myself through a distorted looking-glass. that really sucks, especially since I've always hated fun houses. lol.

anyways, I just needed to write down my emotions before I exploded.

later days dust mites and gremlins ^_^

growing pains....

SO....again, I'm at home.

My sister is here with her son. He's like one years old and she's a psyho mother.

Like seriously, she yells at him for the stupidest of things, as if his one year old brain is actually gonna understand anything other than the fact that he is getting in trouble again.

And what pisses me off is that MY mother sits right there listening to all her yelling and spanking and says "stop yelling so loud. I have a headache." >.<>.<

LATER days ^_^

missed a bloggie...

SO....I didn't get a chance to write yesterday, my mom/sister/brother were hogging the computer.

>.< totally not cool.

Anyways, my xmas smut fic went well. many people liked it and i WAS PUT IN A GOOD MOOD DESPITE MY MOTHER'S EVILNESS.

fuck. caps. know what? I'm too lazy to fix that xD

Technically I'm in the middle of another fic (omg..chaper 18 O.O) so I can stay here long.

I just wanted to say OMFG...Izzy is giving me her xtra copy of TH TV caught on camera. she is SEXYYYYY.

anyways, yea, I might add another post later, like when I'm not writing the most horrifying scene (after the rape one OF COURSE) xD

later days? i guessie??

Sleep deprived, as usual...

I just finished writing what is potentially my last smut chapter for the year. If you want to know what I write, I write fan fics (yes, I know that I have no life xD).

If you want to read them, msg me I'll send the link to my sexy goodness xD

Anyways, I just finished that chapter, and started chapter 18 to an insane chapter filled with rough making out, fighting, death and more fighting.

How morbid can I get?

OH and I started a new chapter for a BRAND NEU story that I'm working on that I got my inspiration for from an Asian Drama called Fated to Love You. GO check it out if you have the change. I'm sure that www.mysoju.com has it on it. I was just rewatching it. xD

Anyways, I'm about to go to bed, and I just wanted to update this. I'm trying to make it a point to write in this blog (aka my makeshift journal) at least once a day, lest I go crazy from holding everything in.

BTW...as suspected, Christmas sucked. My mom's friend insulted me and my mother yelled at me and called me names and such. It should bother me since I'm turning 20 in like 4 months, BUT it does. I have mommy dearest issues.

Kaitlyn rpged with me, so she made it a little better.

And YES, I rpg, I'll do anything that's fun actually xD I like staying entertained, lest boredom forces me to destroy something xD

anyways, NOW I'm going to bed.

Gute Nacht.

~Shelly; allein in die nacht.~

Its Christmas...

I should be happy right?

Can you tell that I'm not?

Christmas isn't really a favorite holiday of mine, most because of the family and fake pretenses of niceness and love. Well, until they start bringing out the eggnog and coquito (a spanish type of eggnog).

So anyways, I'm in the room, trying to AVOID all contact with family. Lol. I know that sounds bad, but if you ever meet my family you'll know why they scare me. xD

Anyways, so I came across this site because, DUN DUN DUN, I read a blog by some girl named Britney claiming to have shagged lead guitarist of the awesome band Tokio Hotel, Tom Kaulitz.

Or TMFK as my friend Kait called him. (It means Tom MotherFucking Kaulitz).

Anyways, going into the blog thinking that it was a fake, I came to the conclusion that it probably is, and that I am REALLY BORED if I can sit here and willingly read about some poor girl that thinks she fucked Tom Kaulitz.

Ja, ich weiss. I'm hopeless.

Ahh, seeing as this is my first blog, I should warn anyone who reads this (although I doubt that its being read at all, seeing as I'm really not entertaining xD) that I can and probably will busrt out in random languages.

Blame it on the parent that shall not be named, who insisted on having me learns all these random languages, as if I'd find use for them xD

I just realized, Damn I talk a lot. I mean, my friends tell me that all the time, but when you sit here and manage to blog about nothing, then yea, you talk a lot. xD

And woah, I did it again, I managed to go off on a tangent about random things, yet again.

Anyways, currently I'm listening to I Don't Care by Fall Out Boys, I was listening to I Don't Care by Apocolyptica a couple of mintes ago. They're both really different (but good songs) One makes me want to belt out a love ballad and the other makes me wanna dance xD

BTW. I sing. A lot. And everywhere. AND although people say I sing well, I've never been signed. BOO-HOO. I had a band. Or a make-shift band, but that went to hell and back. There will be a post on that one day when I feel like ranting about stupid exboyfriends lol.

I'm sleepy. Granted, it's 8:00 in the morning, and I only slept for like 5-6 hours today, but I am exhausted.

Anyways, I'll end it for today, I just wanted to say Merry Christmas to all (even if mine is sucky lol) ^_^

later days ^_^