I'm replaceable....

replaceable...

I hate that word.

I hate feeling as if that word can describe me.

I....

Hah.

You know it's something bad if I can't even figure out what I wanna say.

Basically....

Today I realized how easily replaceable I am to a couple of my 'friends'.

Today I realized how easily I take their shit, and just let it pile up.

Because as much as they tell me to tell them my problems, I just get bitched out when I do.

So, it's whatever.

And my famous line is obviously overplayed when it comes to these people.

i find myself feeling hopeless....

So, I woke up this morning wondering why I had even bothered.

Yea, I've run out of my meds.

I should have seen it coming.

I can't even pay for housing, nevertheless my meds.

But whatever.

These feelings would have been there anyways, just hidden behind all of the drugs.

And now that they're out in the open,

I realize that I've been lying to myself.

Pretending that everything is alright, when honestly, everything's just been piling up on top of me.

Smothering me until I feel as if I will never be able to breathe on my own again.

And it comes to days like this, when I wish I had people that I could lean on.

Depend on.

Trust.

And all that other jazz.

But, I guess that once a person tells you that 'everuthing will be alright', they forget about your problems and go on living their lives.

And I can't fault them on that.

Because it only looks selfish in my eyes.

In the eyes of a person that honest to God gives up anything and everything to help her friends.

And maybe that's what has gotten me into this predicament now.

*shrugs*

*sighs*

I don't know anymore.

Hell, I don't even know why I'm bothering to write this.

No one is gonna read it.

But maybe that's a good thing, because I always seem to hurt people when I let my thoughts and feelings out.

-Sweet, Helpful, Efortless, Lazy, Loud, Youthful....atleast that's what I've been told can be made out of my name xD

pleasure...

the taste

the sights and sound,

the feeling of your fingers wrapped in my hair,

tugging gently to lift my face towards your.

the heat from your lips,

the fire in your eyes,

burning me up slowly from the inside.

your gaze travels lower,

following the path your hands are now making.

and my skin is searing,

and the breath escaping from my lips

is warm to the touch.

your fingers are finding my secret places,

making me scream in pleasure,

and forget my own name.

and we come together as one,

and my nails are embedded in your back,

as your hands are tight around my wrists,

and all that can be heard amongst our cries of ecstasy,

are three worded whispers of,

i love you

one day at a time...

hah.

that's no longer an option.

as the tears roll down my cheeks 

and the blood rolls down my arms,

i pause to wonder if any of it was worth the pain.

i've never been a masochist.

and i've always been afraid of being abandoned.

but that's what you've done to me.

brought my past insecurities

and biggest fears,

into reality.

and i know that you'll never EVER feel bad about it,

and i know that i'll never get over it.

because i hold my pain close to my heart,

and i hold my heart on my sleeve.

i'm too broken for this.

and too proud to drop to my knees for you...