i hate it...

having to run and hide your true self...

watching everyone be divided by one person...

it's not even him...

it's her.

i can't believe how cruel he's become since knowing her.

i can't believe how many of his friends he's hurt because of her.

all of them.

well, except for me because he just hates me and he can't seem to believe that I'm a good person.

all because i won't give in to him.

*sighs* when did doing the right thing mean losing the ones you care about?

and when did doing what I had to do to meet the ends become my status quo?

*sighs*

the tides are turning and i'm gaining control of everything....

but what if I don't want that control?

I'm replaceable....

replaceable...

I hate that word.

I hate feeling as if that word can describe me.

I....

Hah.

You know it's something bad if I can't even figure out what I wanna say.

Basically....

Today I realized how easily replaceable I am to a couple of my 'friends'.

Today I realized how easily I take their shit, and just let it pile up.

Because as much as they tell me to tell them my problems, I just get bitched out when I do.

So, it's whatever.

And my famous line is obviously overplayed when it comes to these people.

i find myself feeling hopeless....

So, I woke up this morning wondering why I had even bothered.

Yea, I've run out of my meds.

I should have seen it coming.

I can't even pay for housing, nevertheless my meds.

But whatever.

These feelings would have been there anyways, just hidden behind all of the drugs.

And now that they're out in the open,

I realize that I've been lying to myself.

Pretending that everything is alright, when honestly, everything's just been piling up on top of me.

Smothering me until I feel as if I will never be able to breathe on my own again.

And it comes to days like this, when I wish I had people that I could lean on.

Depend on.

Trust.

And all that other jazz.

But, I guess that once a person tells you that 'everuthing will be alright', they forget about your problems and go on living their lives.

And I can't fault them on that.

Because it only looks selfish in my eyes.

In the eyes of a person that honest to God gives up anything and everything to help her friends.

And maybe that's what has gotten me into this predicament now.

*shrugs*

*sighs*

I don't know anymore.

Hell, I don't even know why I'm bothering to write this.

No one is gonna read it.

But maybe that's a good thing, because I always seem to hurt people when I let my thoughts and feelings out.

-Sweet, Helpful, Efortless, Lazy, Loud, Youthful....atleast that's what I've been told can be made out of my name xD

pleasure...

the taste

the sights and sound,

the feeling of your fingers wrapped in my hair,

tugging gently to lift my face towards your.

the heat from your lips,

the fire in your eyes,

burning me up slowly from the inside.

your gaze travels lower,

following the path your hands are now making.

and my skin is searing,

and the breath escaping from my lips

is warm to the touch.

your fingers are finding my secret places,

making me scream in pleasure,

and forget my own name.

and we come together as one,

and my nails are embedded in your back,

as your hands are tight around my wrists,

and all that can be heard amongst our cries of ecstasy,

are three worded whispers of,

i love you

one day at a time...

hah.

that's no longer an option.

as the tears roll down my cheeks 

and the blood rolls down my arms,

i pause to wonder if any of it was worth the pain.

i've never been a masochist.

and i've always been afraid of being abandoned.

but that's what you've done to me.

brought my past insecurities

and biggest fears,

into reality.

and i know that you'll never EVER feel bad about it,

and i know that i'll never get over it.

because i hold my pain close to my heart,

and i hold my heart on my sleeve.

i'm too broken for this.

and too proud to drop to my knees for you...

*sighs*

so apparently i'm always wrong.

but if i say it, then you tell me to stop thinking that way....

which is essentially telling me that i'm wrong again.

and then you yell at me.

and tell me to stop complaining to you.

and i go on brb to take my meds and eat, and you have a problem with it....

but i'm supposed to be motherfucking fine when you stop talking to me in the middle of an important conversation to check your fucking myspace?

i'm supposed to stop being a BITCH so that you can get the meek little girl that kissed your ass back?

AND I'M SUPPOSED TO DROP IT, WHEN YOU BITCHED AT ME 6 HOURS AGO FOR NOT TALKING ABOUT IT, BUT NOW THAT YOU WANT TO STOP I HAVE TO FUCKING LISTEN TO YOU????

i didn't know that you were my father.

i didn't know that you were my husband...

i didn't know that your name was God!

i'm so fucking sick of your shit.

i'm sick of you.

i'm.....

i'll never forgive you for this.

and you'll never realize why.

and i'm so close to hating you that i want to cry.

but, you don't care.

and that's fine. 

since i know you'll never read this anyways...

yea >.>

so, it's been two months since my last post, and it's nearly my 20th birthday.

yay me?

psh, yea okay.

so, i'm sick.

nothing unusual, except for the unwanted hospital visits, but whatever >.<

i guess i just wanted to come here and laugh/complain blah blah blah.

where should i start first? xD

i don't even know.

i'm just tired.

and....i think i want to stop being his friend.

yea, i know, shitty thing to say, but um, are we even friends anymore?

i don't even come up on his radar.

*sighs* it's whatever as of right now i guess.

i'm not enough of an ass-kisser to be good enough to be his friend anymore, and maybe that's better than the stress.

maybe i'm just not good enough for anything

fuck this shit....

I am so fucking procrastinating my work.

I came to the lab at 9pm....it's 3am....

Nice one Shelly. fucking awesome.

I blame today's events, my depression and my overall laziness on this one....

Although, I'm right disgusted with myself now, almost to the point where I want to empty my stomach.

I just feel like uber-shit right now.

I can't even write it on here for fear that my 'business' will be spread around, even though I'm sure that no one will ever read this.

It kind of makes me sad, and then makes me think of things i try to avoid concentrating on because then my depression comes back full force and I have nothing and no reason to stop it.

Gag.

Fuck.

Damn.

Sigh, it's getting to the point where I'm starting to hate myself....

Or maybe just my decisions.

And I really don't know if I'm going to be able to do anything to change....

Maybe I do need to take a break from everybody.

To free myself.

Maybe................

life sucks...and then...

SO....we have a new President (hoorah, hoorah). I really am happy/excited, but as I always say, we'll have to see what happens and then pass judgement.

I'm stressed, and tired and blah. Normal complaints for someone older than their age.

It sucks being this way, and having the people around me acting like children (or even worse, high school teenagers)

What I mean by "this way" is the fact that the people around me walk around acting like they have no common sense when dealing with drama.

If someone is trying to delete your myspace: delete/block them

If someone is being a psycho stalker that goes all emo every time she thinks you're madly in love with someone: Let her go all emo and hug a razor-blade. maybe the world will be quieter.

I don't mean to sound so brash, BUT it begins to suck big balls when you're constantly getting dragged into shit you had no idea existed.

So, here's the mature thing I've decided to do (despite people constantly begging for my help and advice): STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT.

Not my myspace, my boyfriend, my rock-star, my stalker: NOT MY PROBLEM.

I just wish everyone else understood that as well as I do.

I tried to be nice and be a friend, but I'm not about to jeopardize my college career (AGAIN) because of drama and shit.

ANYWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOS.

On to some good news.

-looks around for some good news-

uhhhhh. oh yea! I'm back at cmsv xDD I KNOW that shouldn't be a good thing, seeing as I'm always stressed here, but it NEVER reaches the levels of stress that I end up reaching at home.

So I'll take this crackpot school that I've come to love, over the psycho-ness of my mother xDD

Ummmm. Errrrr. I think I'm gonna go now.

I NEED, and I repeat, NEED to go kick someone's ass for not being a decent friend.

-cheese grin-

I love you lurkers and gremlin-hobbit folk ^_^

~Shelly

Woahness...

I've just come to the conclusion that I'm a lazy fuck xDDD

I've seriously just spent four hours writing and have only gotten 700 words written >.< Four hours and I should have finished an entire chapter.

Seriously, I've managed to write a bit, myspace a bit, read a couple of fics, watch the last episode to a japanese drama I've been following, and now I'm here: blogging xDD

I need some concentration pills or something.

And now I'm waiting for Kait to call me so I can continue being a lazy ass with her as a distraction xDD

BLAH BLAH BLAH...

plus, I just realized that it's been a full 8 days since I've written here.

It's not that scheisse hasn't happened, I guess I just haven't been in he mood to write at all >.<

Anywhoos, I guess I better get to procrastinating. Maybe I can pull out an extra 300 words and feel accomplished xDD

Later days you gremlins and munchkins ^_^ xoxoxo

woah....

It's been three days sine I last wrote xD

Crazy shit's been going on at home and I've been taking refuge in my bed xD

ALSO, my mom and brother have been stealing the computer from me, SO I can't really write as frequently as I wish I could, ya know?

Anyways, I managed to sleep nearly 13+ hours today and it's made me SICK. Like I have such an unnecessarily large headache, I'm ready to dunk my head in a bucket of ice water just to numb it. xD

Nice visuals, eh?

Anywhoos, damn I'm listening to music as loud as my headache/ears can tolerate, and I can still hear my brother snoring. *shakes head* He's like a cross btwn a bear and a moose and a cow. >.<

Not cool.

Anyways, I don't think I really have anything important on my mind right now. I'm kinda stuck on a couple of my fics, even though I have outlines and such.

I really do need to update more frequently.

One of my fics hasn't been updated in a month. A FUCKING month. ugh. I used to be able to write daily, but for some reason, it's just not happening.

My brain has kinda slowed down, and I'm ready to kick it's ass xD

I guess I'm going to post this, mess around some more on the PC, make some food and FINALLY get some writing done xDD

that is of course, until my mother kicks me off the computer, per usual xDD

Gute Nacht lovelies ^_^

New Years....

So it's apparently 2009... Whoop-dee-doo

Excuse my lack of enthusiasm, but my friends from around the world have been celebrating New Years ALL day, so by the time it finally hit 2009 here in the states, I was all out of celebrations.

PLUS, my brother's house was set on fire. Not on purpose obviously.

The cops & firefighters think it was a lamp or something.

My family thinks it was because my step-nephew was smoking weed and accidentally set something on fire.

SIGH. So now there are a shitload of people over here driving me INSANE and I have writer's block, so none of my fics were completed, like AT ALL.

Off the bad news, I found a playlist that had kept me entertained for quite a while.

Apparently I like Bullets for My Valentine, Marilyn Manson and HIM xDD my random music choices make me laugh lol

yawn

I'm sleepy. I think I'm gonna try to write something before heading off to bed.

Hmmy, maybe coffee will help. At least, I hope it doesn't fry my brain lol.

Anywhoos. Off to writing weird fics, per usual. ^_^

Later Days Gremlins and Lurkers ^_^